Thursday, November 29, 2012

Sex Menu.

[For those who missed it: I haven't been not-writing, I've been writing elsewhere!  Check out my post at Captain Awkward: Pretty Should Be Optional!]


So, I don't really know how to open this except to say: I made a sex menu!

Check it out here!
(if the font looks terrible, you probably need to zoom in farther.)

There's a reason, though, a reason going beyond "I liked writing all the funny captions."

It's because I'm not good at thinking of things on the spot.  There's all kinds of things I like in bed (as you can see...), but when the conversation comes down to "so, what do you want to do tonight?", I have a terrible habit of answering "Um, sex?"  Some horrible combination of shyness and choice-paralysis comes over me and I literally forget what kinks I have.  It's like holding a pen and staring at a blank page--the endlessness of the possibilities can easily slip from exciting to overwhelming.

This has led to me tragically having unadorned missionary intercourse on far too many occasions.

So I made a menu.  It's dorky--it might be reaching new theoretical limits of dorkiness--but it's also a really nice tool for communication.  It lays out the things we know work for us and it gives us a starting point to think of things that aren't on the menu.  It frees us from the daunting blank page.

I don't know if I can really end this post with "make one for yourself!", because your relationship probably has to work a very specific way for this to be awesome instead of hilariously awkward.  But I will end it with... getting away from the blank page, however you do that, is a very very good thing for keeping sex pervy.



[EDIT: Some people report trouble getting Google Docs to open.  Here's an alternate link to the same file on Dropbox.]

77 comments:

  1. This is great! I definitely need to make one of these.

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  2. I think, making one of these, if only for your own eyes, is a great idea!!

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  3. Am I the only one getting a 500 error on the menu? I'd love to see it...

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  4. Dang it, I'm getting a google server error!

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  5. Got the server error in Chrome; switched to Firefox and that fixed it. You may want to note that in the article, though. :)

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    Replies
    1. Darnit. I'll try and put up an alternate link in the morning.

      /half-asleep-cliff

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    2. I'm getting the error (500) on Firefox, Safari, and Chrome. I really want to see the sex menu. :( I'm on OSX right now, if that helps.

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    3. Did you try the DropBox link at the bottom? I'm on Chrome with OSX and both links work for me, so I wish I knew what the problem is.

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    4. Did you just post it? If not, I probably just glanced over it the first time. >.< Either way, I can see it now, and thanks!

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  6. Dude, this is AWESOME. Screw needing to be relationship; I'm totally making one of my own just to practice articulating my wants.

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  7. Haha, the dirty talk one.

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  8. You're hilarious! This is hilarious! I'm going to make one of these with my new girlfriend, for real.

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  9. Amazing! This is a great idea and I will try my own version for sure!

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  10. This is awesome! Seriously. What a fantastic idea.

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  11. I have the same issue. Please get out of my mind :)

    On top of blank page panic, I also feel like I should come up with something that's exciting for everyone involved, which makes things even harder. Then I realise that if someone asks me "what would you like", then they likely *want* me to be completely selfish, so I should stop this compulsive habit of mine, oh my god I'm thinking too much about this, panic, page is still blank, more panic, all available blood has been allocated to the brain, more panic.

    I've been thinking of writing some short erotic story, just to exercise verbalising my kinks. I look forward to seeing how you wrote your menu. Can't wait for the alternate link.

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  12. Urge to send this to the cute couple I'm chatting up.. rising ;)

    Well, it would be one way to get to know their preferences, right?

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  13. Yayyyyy! Your captions are so good!!!

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  14. Love. Although tragically unadorned missionary has its place.

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  15. I am very familiar with this problem. On the one hand, I don't forget what I have in my brain at all, so that's good. On the other hand, I am terrible with menus and experience analysis paralysis with some of them, so looking at my "mental menu" sometimes causes me to pause and get a weird blank look on my face.

    By accounts, this is pretty funny looking once my partner understands it's not cause to be worried.

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  16. Any dessert suggestions? :) I can't come up with anything besides 'cuddling'.

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    Replies
    1. Hot soapy shower together. Energy-restoring snack together (fancy option: feeding each other). Mutual/serial massage (especially nice if previous menu items have resulted twisting or over-exhausting some muscle groups).

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    2. Glass of wine!

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  17. Two parts hilarious, one part really good idea. This is possibly the best thing ever.

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  18. Ohmygod! That was delightful in every possible way :D

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  19. Heh, funny and cute but also sexy and useful. No small feat.

    At the risk of being the annoying guy who over-analyses jokes and sucks the fun out of everything: I found it interesting that, while this was an aid for *you* to decide/articulate *your* wants and desires, some parts (e.g. the prostate massage) were still written as if you were the 'service provider' and your partner the 'customer.'

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    Replies
    1. Eh, that's just because the joke is that my vagina is a restaurant.

      His desires DO figure into this, but I promise, he does not treat me like a waiter.

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    2. Also, while that is something to keep in mind, some people genuinely enjoy and can get off on things like that which are often seen as entirely for the other person's pleasure only! Some people think that giving prostate massage is really hot.

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  20. Oh man, I'm pretty sure I want to do one of these up as a pizza shop menu. Like, instead of this where "fuckin'" is one thing and "toys" is one thing, all the different positions and toys are listed as individual toppings and you get to mix and match! And then there are, like, different kinds of pizza (and calzones! and strombolis! and cheesesteaks!) for the bigger categories and more involved activities. And special combinations that you know you like, and the option to make up new specials on the fly!

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  21. Is there a word for "dorky but awesome"? Because it would totally apply here.

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    Replies
    1. Dawksome.

      You're welcome.

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    2. I think the work for that would just be "dorky." I don't want to live in a world where those are usually mutually exclusive.

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    3. ADORKABLE.
      ^Best word ever.

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  22. I will never look at sharks in the same way again :)

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  23. You are Fucking Brilliant.

    Seriously, you just made me laugh so much I choked on my tea! Thanks, Cliff, I needed that (the laugh, not the choking!) :)

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  24. This reminded me of a Love Coupons book that I crafted for my hubby back in '04. Thank you for the impetus of rediscovering it. It's pretty badass: beaded, collaged, and even has pop-up pages. It was really fun remembering "validating" those coupons, and inspiring to think of new ones I'd add 8-9 years later. We've come along nicely together since then, and there are plenty of "goods and services" i'd love to offer him to claim this holiday season and the 15th anniversary of us meeting!

    Thanks for a great blog, and for the astute and well-written commentators you attract.

    love,
    cat

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    Replies
    1. Make him make some for you, too! Tell him he can borrow your glitter glue. :)

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  25. Oh man. That was a hilariously great read. I think my fiancee will get a kick out of it too :D

    Maybe we should make one...

    Seems like the kind of thing that really, really needs to be laminated. If you know what I mean.

    I think you know what I mean ;)

    (sex often involves liquids that would mess up the paper that's what I mean.)

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    1. Not to mention, you can leave it in your room in advance of anticipated sexytimes, and your partner can mark zir selections with a dry-erase marker. (I personally enjoy this sort of teasing--the more you build up the anticipation, the crazier the sex tends to get.) When sexytime rolls around you can ask if there are any new requests, or anything that needs to be removed and saved for later. Then, just wipe off the marks and you can do it all again next time!

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  26. This menu made my day. I really feel the need to create one for home use, for the same reason. Complete with silliness enough to partially de-awkward moments of explaining "Yes, I do sometimes like it when you do that thing with the stuff, but today let's not. I'm up for these items in column C instead though, how 'bout you?"(Also, "chomp chomp is shark for 'I love you'" is one of the most fun lines I've heard/read in ages. My poor husband is going to be hearing it abot 50 times a day for the near future.)

    ...Then there's the temptation to write a not-silly-at-all uber-fancy restaurant type menu for special-occasions. "It's Tuesday and you're hot" is a specal occasion, right?

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  27. THIS IS THE BEST THING.

    Also! I learned a fun new wrestling game! Sock Wrestling is where you each wear one sock (same foot) and the object is to take off the other person's sock. It is, thus far, the most fun I've ever had wrestling.

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  28. This probably isn't the intended message, but ...

    Any time I see a restaurant menu without prices I thing "It's probably to expensive and they tried to fancyfy everything. "

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    Replies
    1. I think the unintended-message problem would bave been much worse if I had put prices in...

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    2. Once upon a time, restaurants that were considered -- or that considered themselves -- snooty would have two versions of the menu. When a couple came in, the lady would get the version with no prices listed, because ladies were not supposed to worry about things like money. I don't know what the connection would be here, though.

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    3. What if two women dined there though???

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    4. That would never happen, because women only eat proper food with men, doncha know. When in the company of women they only eat, like, popcorn and bonbons.

      Incidentally, having a menu like that would make me piss my pants. I always order the cheapest I can out of habit and not wanting to be a bother, and not knowing if one dish was worth more than another one would make me more anxious than if I had to worry if it was coming out of my own money or not.

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  29. a) this is awesome
    b) GPOY with the "It's like holding a pen and staring at a blank page--the endlessness of the possibilities can easily slip from exciting to overwhelming."
    c) this is really awesome. I've been brainstorming various ways to facilitate the 'deciding what to do' process (and kind of only thought of two...) and I really, really like this, both as 'hey, other people have this issue and look for ways to deal with it!' and as an actual idea.

    Thanks!

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  30. Thanks for re-uploading this! Most creative thing I've seen in a while :D

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  31. ZOMG, I'm so right there with you. When my partner asks what I want I get so overwhelmed that all I can ever manage answering is "I want what you want." Which is largely true, but not remotely helpful.

    I've been thinking about making a sex menu of my own for weeks, for exactly that reason. Thank you so much for sharing yours! It gives me some great ideas for mine. :D

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  32. *laughs* I more suffer from the absurd problem of blood leaving my brain, leaving no room to actually remember what exactly I want to do about it. Apparently my libido's response to everything is "DON'T BOTHER ME WITH TRIFLES!"

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  33. This is fucking awesome. I lost it at "blowcareer" and had tears in my eyes by the time I got to "Because it's there. My anus, I mean."

    Pussy-kicking could rhyme? Would that be cunt-punting? Because that's what I would have used. And you're right. Probably not classy.

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  34. I <3 this so much! I have this problem. And checkbox lists, while good for figuring out ones general interests always seem too formal for scene negotiation with a recurring partner/lover. This is amusing and brilliant. +50 points.

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  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  36. Now I'm curious: why 1973?

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  37. It seems to me that "mutual masturbation" means each other. I've never seen the phrase used in such a way that this definition doesn't make sense.

    But I don't know what term would then be used for each person touching themselves while the other one watches. "Performance masturbation" maybe?

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    Replies
    1. Synchronized masturbation? Concurrent masturbation?

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  40. This post is COMPLETELY AMAZING. Like, spend-half-an-hour-laughing-at-the-menu, tell-all-of-your(er, my)-friends-about-it amazing. I'm not currently in a relationship but maybe a good litmus test of future partners for me would be someone to whom I could offer my own (literal) menu...or maybe I just really want an excuse to come up with clever puns about sex. :P Either way, thank you for sharing and I adore the blog in general!

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  41. Love the captions for the different entrées. :D

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  42. I would buy a "chomp chomp is shark for i love you" tee-shirt.

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    Replies
    1. As a clothing designer, it's taking all of my better-part-of-me to refrain from makin' em!

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  43. This is FANTASTIC for one such as me who has a hard time expressing sexual things verbally. It doesn't help that part of my Ideal Fantasy is having the boyfriend (in my case) initiate and be passionate towards me, instead of me starting it and saying things out loud. Spontaneity, y'know? But that backfires far more often than it works, and then it leaves both of us frustrated. This is an awesome and ice-breaking way to bring that stuff up. Even as "I would like this to be served anytime within the next 48 hours, please". Brilliant, Cliff, brilliant.

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  45. I absolutely love this!....put your pussy in my cock.....hahaha.....stealing, will have to add some more...toe fucking,, toe sucking, hmmm...

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  46. I forgot to comment when this originally went up, but I love this. I showed it to my husband and he is also in agreement about this being a splendid idea. Both of us tend towards a "well, I don't know, what do YOU want to do?" "uhm, the sexy parts?" "all of them? which ones??" problem when both rolling into bed, compounded by a kind of silly "well, I mean, I'd maybe want to try this, if you'd like, but you know we don't have to if you don't want! Like today or ever!" So the idea of a menu is so nice!
    Plus yours is quite funny, and dorky, which is great too.

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  47. I love it, too, but I showed it to my wife, and she defaulted to ". . . . interesting." No accounting for taste.

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  48. your sex menu is very sweet. i shouldn't judge someone after spending 15 minutes on their blog, but you're awesome.

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  49. Am I the only one who had to google pussy kicking? I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not. I never thought that was something someone might find sexually enjoyable. Wasn't judging, it just never occurred to me. Learn something new all the time. :)

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  50. O.O this might be the best thing I've ever seen....

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